One day I felt empowered and wanted to share what happened to me that changed my life forever, but I didn’t. So here 5 months later I’ll share where no one sees just to feel a little better.
I’ve never been one to talk about my past, because it’s not pleasant to relive. It was something I went through alone, not because people didn’t care, it was myself wanting to keep it a secret. I was ashamed for so long to admit to myself and others that I was sick. In my senior year, and the months following, my life had begun to spiral out of my control. From going to a doctor who had the human skills of a potato, telling me I had a brain tumor, or MS, or maybe something else severe to having my personal life dwindle to nothing. You put up a front that you are strong and can do anything, people don’t worry about you as much, but honestly I needed someone to worry. At my smallest I was 106.3 pounds, amazing how I can remember it down to the decimal…I was on a fast lane to my own death and all I knew was eating was something I could control and if I didn’t eat then I was controlling my body and what it was doing. It wasn’t until I had gotten a picture with my idol, sir sly, that someone noticed that my face was all skeleton. When my doctor noticed I had an EKG run and blood work done, my liver was showing signs of distress. I didn’t care though, I was in control of something in my life. When I was raped everything crumpled to the ground. I started seeing how long I could control my hunger because it made me feel normal. How funny is that? Starving myself made me feel NORMAL. Like somehow starving was going to give me back the choice of who I got to lose my virginity too. Like somehow starving my body was going to kill whatever was wrong with it. Like somehow starving was going to fix everything wrong that I saw. I longed for this normal feeling that I didn’t notice it was killing me. It took over a year to get me help because I didn’t see a problem with the way I was living. But With the help of my sister, doctor, and parents I got better. I moved to Canada and made a new start while gaining the weight that would save my life. It’s important to talk about mental illness, not only because it saves lives…but it can literally be the live and death choice to bring up to someone that they look like a skeleton. If my sister didn’t say something to me that night…I probably wouldn’t be here.
